After I was beaten and recovering from my injuries I started to really think about what my life had become. I was about to turn 30 and I was disabled to the point I couldn’t work, living with my parents, couldn’t drive, the numbness was now electric pain, crushing pain, and burning pain and I had to wear a diaper because I couldn’t control my bladder any longer.
What the f&$@ am I going to do with my life now?!?
This is when I threw myself into yoga, meditation and self help exercises, I was lost on my journey so I decided to start actually trying all the things people in my life like my mother had been telling me since I was a kid. I began to live like a monk, focus on going within and learning by educating myself with every resource I had available. For about a year I went within myself and searched for ways to heal because I couldn’t live like that anymore. I began researching what my health issues were and for several months I realized in the core of my being that it was multiple sclerosis even though some people around me thought it was more likely I was a hypochondriac or insane because MS makes me look and feel insane. I privately mourned this permanent change to my life that I knew was true and I began to get mentally strong enough to face my brain scan emotionally because I didn’t want all of this to mentally shatter me. I really needed the year to work on my emotional wounds and let go of my baggage before I could really deal with this new challenge. The baggage was just too heavy.
So I finally got that brain scan and I am really glad I listened to my intuition because my brain scan is worse than some of the photos I’ve seen in text books. I don’t think I could have mentally handled seeing that right after I was beaten. So now I realized these symptoms were most likely for life and I couldn’t control them but I could control how I react to them. At this point I was still angry at the circumstances and angry at my ex for accelerating this disease from the countless concussions he gave me that would render me temporarily blind. But at this point being angry hurts me more than him, so in my meditations I worked on becoming balanced emotionally and being so emotionally stable that these symptoms can not control my emotional state. I instead am separate from the pain and the emotions in time and space because pain lasts for a moment. I do not have to eternally look at life through that trauma on my bubble. I can decide how I react to it all if I stay clear by cleaning my bubble.
And so bubble theory was born after a conversation with my brother into how we all have our own bubble and some people just don’t respect other peoples bubbles. And we all think differently in our own bubble. I thought deeper into this and realized that for me the bubble is a visual representation for my emotional body that could help me have something to focus on instead of thinking of emotions in such an abstract way. So I see that my bubble issues started when I was young, my household wasn’t emotionally stable like most American families, my school was catholic, and when I was raped it was essentially a bullet wound to my bubble that I feel murdered my soul.
How do we deal with a bullet wound?
As history progresses technology and methods improve so we are able to cope better with bullet wounds as time goes on. First step is to see if the bullet is still within you, if so they have to expertly remove the bullet which is different depending on what damage it did to what part of the body. Removing a bullet is temporarily more pain, so are the sutures that they use to stitch you back up. But if done with the right expertise things will heal and life can resume.
So with the emotional body I was shot and my emotional body was dying yet nobody could tell around me. So I was a child feeling alone and in despair that fell into depression as PTSD took ahold of my life. Now I see this and I see that others might feel this way too, and I feel a responsibility to speak up because we don’t have to live this way anymore. We are all different and have different needs for our emotional damage so I can’t tell you how to clean your bubble I can only share what works for me and ask you- Have you tried X Y or Z? What works for you? Is anything helping you? We don’t have to slowly die in a deafening silence that crushed so many of our souls for years or decades. Now that I can speak my truth and that I have been able to find and keep clarity I want to create more beauty from my pain so we can all heal, learn and grow together.
Daily I strive to clear my bubble in the morning and then maintain that clarity through the day. My goal is to stay so centered that when I feel like I’m being electrocuted, stabbed, crushed, burned alive, frozen alive, suddenly drunk, suddenly 500lbs or just peeing on myself I can stay so centered emotionally that it doesn’t ruin my day or even the moment. I can not control these things but I can control how I react to them.
I strive to find my center every day and stay there.
If you would like to see the video I made about this (screenshots above) it is on my YouTube channel.
A special thank you to Gary Vaynerchuk for inspiring me to really move forward and see the opportunities within my life story and how my pain can be transformed into healing for myself and others. I can create from what I have learned and make this into something I can live from that feeds my soul and hopefully can support me financially as well. Gary if you read his from the depths of my soul thank you for being with me on those lonely nights when I thought my dreams of being a musical artist were over. I was an opera singer and went to Berklee for production. My family has spent hundreds of thousands supporting that career starting at 5–6 years old and I felt so guilty but now I see the although living through everything sucked because I survived and learned how to thrive I have a story that can actually do some good in this really f$&@ up world. Sending you and everyone in this world so much love and I hope you see the beauty within your day! ❤️🌈🌹