I haven’t been a big fan of New Years for most of my life because the holiday was always a terrifying reminder of me being raped as a kid by an adult relative. Oddly the thing I was most terrified of before has become part of what I am most proud of now simply because I started to react differently to it. I am proud of how I am changing all the challenges in my life into opportunities for me to feel my greatness. I changed how I thought about challenges in life and I see them now for the opportunities within those challenges. I am grateful for the inner strength and fortitude these challenges have brought me. Facing the dark truth was hard but the truth is after the celebrations were over he decided he wanted me and he was going to take me by force while I and the rest of the house was sleeping. I was powerless and there was nothing I could have done to get out of it. That simple fact was one my brain could not process until recently because it was somehow easier to take responsibility so I could feel like I had some sort of control. But no, I had no control in that moment or in life in general I really only can control how I react to things.
I have never been the same again
I see people actually talking about this issue for the first time since then and I am so grateful for that. But I also see many people who don’t know what the fuck they are talking about speaking on this very serious issue in fact I have suspicions that some of them are rapists themselves trying to spread the lies that predators spread. The things I have heard my abusers tell me happen to be the same things these people say and I notice. I finally feel emotionally strong enough to really do what I feel I need to do and I am going to allow this fresh start of 2019 to be the year I finally
Speak the truth of my experiences and how I cope with them so we can all learn and share.
For one I have come to a place of mental clarity, resilience and strength that enables me to be able to really talk about this without being retraumatized. It took countless hours of work for me to get here and I also see that I had privileges that not everyone has so I feel the responsibility to speak up for those that are still too traumatized and afraid.
Rape has tainted everything in my life from how I see the world to how I see myself. i hated myself so much that I thoughts was stealing oxygen from people who deserved it more than I did. I see how I was traumatized and my bubble was damaged. The bubble that is my visualization for our emotional body. When we get traumatized and that bubble is damaged we don’t see the world clearly. So as I work on my mental hygiene to keep my emotional body clear I find myself seeing the world so differently. Most of all I have found a deep love for myself that I see my abusers wanted to cut me off from. When I love myself and I can be clear to listen to my gut I cannot be manipulated and that is what they desire. My abusers wanted me to do what they wanted me to do and they don’t realize that this desire is a symptom of their own mental weakness. I find myself feeling bad for them, but now I love myself more than I feel bad for them. Their inability to respect the boundaries of others is a sad sign of mental weakness and I see how I can also help them to see a different way of life if they want to listen. When I feel urges to control others it is a sign of inner turmoil that I don’t want to face and I see that it is the same for others as well. I see how learning to cope with the abuse has made me a stronger person as I cope with multiple sclerosis.
My relative is a predator that marked me by traumatizing me. I now know that these predators that can be men or women learn to read body language and find insecurities in people solely to exploit them. I am learning to no longer be in a pattern of abuse only now at 31 about 20 years after it happened and part of that is because I kept being further traumatized by more predators over the years to the point that no healthy person would have wanted to be with me.
So my goal is to get better at sharing the truth of my life and how I cope with it. I invite you to join in and also share your truth and how you cope. I have gotten to the place I am in because I realize mental health is a really hygiene practice if I want to remain emotionally balanced most of the time. If I keep my bubble clean it is far easier to see the world as clear as possible and feel what is right for me. I am all for trying new things and seeing what works and letting go of what isn’t working for me.